Thursday, February 27, 2014

Fear is a choice!

Last night was a disappointment, I was looking forward to a trip this weekend and it was called off for various reasons. Then a thought struck me, I have traveled alone before why not again? The whole ‘Tranquebar –getaway’ came like a flashback. I did have a good time but I remembered I didn't stay overnight as I had planned to. I did check into the hotel in the morning (It really was an amazing room facing the beach) did some sightseeing and walking around, I was just beginning to enjoy the stay and the beach, but I got cold feet at 8pm when I realized that there was no one else staying in the ground floor (And I think no other guest was there). I began playing out all the bad things that could happen in my head. Like what if they get me drugged at dinner, what if they come in to my room in the middle of the night with the spare key they have? I don’t blame myself these are the things we read every single day in the paper, and somewhere between those lines the girl would be blamed for being so reckless and stupid for trusting strangers. And so I packed my bags and booked my tickets for the next available bus for that night and checked out. The manager wasn't even there; he just left the help at the hotel in charge and had left.  They did have a funny look on their faces seeing me leaving in a hurry. In fact one of them actually helped me by finding an ATM in the town, so they didn't seem bad after all. But I dint give them the benefit of doubt after all.

And so I knew travelling alone is not going to happen, especially because this time it can’t be an act of stealth. But I was thinking how did we come to this? This lack of trust, lack of braveness,lack of conviction that everything is going to be fine.  This cruelty,  this hatred. How did it find us? Did it steal into our lives or did we seek it out and embrace it? What happened to us? We now go into the world like we go into war, hoping we would return safe. Knowing that some will be lost along the way.  Is it really unsafe out there or is it just in our head? 

I know this isn't going to go away, at least not over night. But how much do we miss because of this. Do we always have to be dependent on somebody all the time, to do something we love?  Do we have to feel so weak and incapable and so bounded that you are not allowed to follow your heart because of the people who love and care about you? I could either fight this or sit there doing nothing about and let it change me. I choose one in my head but end up following the other.

Someday I hope when I have the impulse to just pack my bags and fly away, I can do it. ALONE.
And for the future I hope there are no such moments when girls want to say “I wish I were a boy so I wouldn't miss being able to…” for whatsoever. (Can’t help thinking their life is so much easier, they can get away with anything!)


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