Wednesday, October 3, 2012

Burying the hatchet - The End

She was standing in her balcony that overlooks the road; through her teary eyes she saw a blurred vision.  A vision that was three years old. Under the neon lamp post, stood a splashing red car and 4 boys hooting out his name in the early hours of one Dec morning. She stood at the balcony and was sheepishly waving out to him with their friends egging on.  It was a day of joy for he had just proposed her and they had just started their relationship. A relationship that din’t stand the sands of time.

Little did she know then that three years later she would stand in the same balcony and say goodbye to all those visions. Not once but twice. After the tattoo day, they had split and gone their ways. She wept, she fought against temptation, she replayed it all a zillion times in her head,  and when a month later he called her to say he was seeing someone else, she knew it was time to let it go and leave it all behind.

The news did upset her; it was only natural.  For a brief period he had the world at her feet, he treated her with royalty, she felt special, when he told her every time she mentioned a guy he would get possessive but would never express it, she felt loved. When he remembered everything she liked and wanted to do it all together, She thought  he cared, When he  restricted her  from having the tattoo at her chest, cos they were his ,She blushed from within, When  he said that only her kiss had the effect on him, that it stirred an emotion in him , she believed it were true. For him these were just mere words, but for her they meant the world. She valued each of these words. And so when she knew it had no value, the torment of knowing, it was all a mirage, had hit her.

She bid goodbye to the city that was her home, she welcomed it and knew a change would do her good. She left to another city. With passing days she eventually learnt to let it go. Every now and then memories would creep up, she would then just throw some light and love in his direction and let it be. She had to let go. It would change. Someday it would. Nothing stays forever. It never does.

She did get in touch with him a few times. Sometimes to wish for occasions,  sometimes to pass on a news.  She din’t know what hurt her the most, that he could let go of it all so easily and not have a tiny remorse and be all glee about his new found love. Or that he had never once reached out to her. She thought she was mature and sensible to accept it and that she would be able to have a healthy relationship with her X. But with time she learnt she cannot.

Had he been someone who valued her or was not insensitive to what she felt for him it probably would have been possible. But someone so inconsiderate as him it would never be possible. It was easy for him to say stuff like” what is your problem my girlfriend doesn’t care about it” , “ I am hanging out with your boyfriend “ , but it wasn’t easy for her to hear these. She knew then that it was best to stay away altogether.

People do move on in life, they do fall in love again, but you don’t replace them with people you once knew. She never considered any of her actions as a mistake, because she knew she only lost someone who could let go of her easily and did not make any difference to him, someone whose mind she hardly crossed, someone who hardly cared to check on her, someone who left without looking back even once. But he lost someone, for whom he made all the difference, Who would still think of all the routes they traversed together , who would think of all the small things that made them laugh together, who would never ever be able to forget or replace him.

She had only one regret. This would have been so beautiful if it meant the same to him, just as it did for her. She had attached such intense emotions to someone incapable of such emotions, for whom this was beyond comprehension.  It is no more about love, it only a regret about losing value. Some ghosts in life can’t be exorcised. This has become one such ghost in her life. Memories would always creep up, he would always be remembered sometimes in a song they heard together, sometimes in a place they were together, sometimes in her dreams, sometimes in life, she had learnt trying to forget would only make deeper impressions. So the best would be to embrace it. She learnt to smile at the memory and move on.  Or let’s say she learnt to bury the hatchet after all.  

Throughout this journey she had someone to support her selflessly, Someone to whom she could pour her heart out and would reassure her that it would be alright. Someone who never ever let her go even though she had let him down a zillion times. He had helped her wrap up the past and walked her out of the maze.. He knew her like a book and had no qualms about any page in it. She knew she could count on him at any point in her life. No matter what he would understand and be there to support all of her choices and decisions. More than anything she had valued him simply because she knew what she meant to him, and what difference she makes in his life.  She knew she had someone in her life who would leave no stone unturned to see her happy. Someone whom she could be truthful about everything she felt and sometimes though it would hurt him. He would understand it and just be there for her.Not everyone is lucky to have someone in their life who has the maturity and heart to understand and accept everything she felt for another man.  He would always be there to guide her hassles, to explain to her when she is bewildered, to laugh with her, to cry with her, to support her in all circumstances, to encourage her to let go of her fears, to be a part of all of her crimes.  More than anything she had a great amount of respect and gratitude for him and valued his presence in her life. His endurance, perseverance and patience had finally won her over!!

An ode to an end to the past and a new beginning…!!