Wednesday, September 12, 2012

Burying the hatchet- Part2

The room was filled with a monotonous buzzing; she sat there with her neck bent as the artist was working on her neck. She was restless the entire day, not knowing whether it was the anxiety of getting scarred for life or whether it was what would follow after that.

Sitting there she thought of how the last one month had been. It was like a whirlwind of events. Every moment of theirs was a framed memory that would pop out even if she dint want it to. Like the night she was so high and tipsy, she had blurted out to him about who he really was,  she knew he hated her for being rude, but she knew nothing would hurt him, she had carved her initials on his arm, she couldn’t walk without his support but dint want help until she fell down at the parking lot. He just couldn’t stop giggling looking at her hooting in the middle of the road, and swaying with her as he walked her to her house. She lived every moment with him to the fullest because she knew it would never exist later.

Like the date they went to, after 6 years. Something they never did even at college. He had planned it all perfectly. Right from picking her up, to surprising her with chocolates, to the long drive, and to his favorite restaurant which he takes all the important people in his life to.  She wouldn’t forget it for ages to come, because in spite of the relationships in her life this was her first date. And she was happy it was with him.

Like the evening he had sneaked out of a family function just to catch up with her for a snack, he was  dressed in a kurta she had chosen for him and she was dressed in a saree. He had thrown a lot of compliments at her, something that rarely happens.

When you throw a pebble into water small circles would appear where the pebble falls, which grows and grows until they touch say, a passing duck and it had nothing to do with the pebble.  Instead of being afraid of that unexpected wave, the duck decides to play with it. One such pebble is thrown into her life. She felt the vibrations of that pebble. So what now? She could carry on like nothing had happened, but She could also, like the duck on the lake, have fun and take pleasure in that sudden ripple that set the water rocking.  A lot of people are frightened because, when this happens, it demolishes all the old things it finds in its path. No one wants their life thrown into chaos. That is why a lot of people keep that threat under control, and is somehow capable of sustaining a house or a structure that is already rotten. Other people think exactly the opposite: they surrender themselves without a second thought, hoping to find in passion the solutions to all their problems. They make the other person responsible for their happiness and blame them for their possible unhappiness. They are either euphoric because something marvelous has happened or depressed because something unexpected has just ruined everything.

That is exactly what she did, she gave in. She gave in, with the knowledge that it had no future, and so she wanted to leave it at a beautiful note. And today was that beautiful day. She had give him a choice and he had made it clear he wanted no part of it. She now knew they stood no chance; it was beautiful as long as it lasted. She would put it all behind and move on!! After all that is what the tattoo her artist was working on her neck, signified, a new beginning, a change, a new chapter!!

It was a deal they would both get their tattoo done on the last day and go separate ways.  He was getting his done in the memory of his dad, but said the letters carved would remind him off her. A scar to remind them of each other.  Hers was done and she joined him in the next room .

They leave the studio together, she knows in the next few hours this would be over.  End of the good time they shared. They went to the place where they had celebrated their first anniversary .It was his choice again. Ironic, that they had to end the relationship at a place they had once celebrated the relationship.

On and off emotions bottled up ready to flow from her eyes, but she donned the armor of a willful woman. It was a roof-top restaurant with a great view of the city and ambience of a dhabba. There was sorrow in the occasional silence that crept between conversations. The dhaba had a gazal singer performing tonight. He was singing old romantic hindi numbers. It was perfect for an 80’s flick, a sad couple going through a rough phase sitting at a table and the camera slides from the singer to the couple’s expression. Alas life isn’t a movie, there are no happy endings like in the movies.

They ride back home aware this might be the last time they see each other, last time they would be together. As time drew closer her heart beat faster, and the stomach felt queer. Enough was said between the two of them, enough was shared between the two of them, they hugged like there would be no more, kissed like it was the last time, held hands like they wouldn’t let go. But she wanted more of it. It never was enough. For her it never will be.

She just couldn’t take it anymore, she opens the door of the car and walks’ away knowing this was the end, Tears finally won over her willful armor and she let them flow endlessly.  Her goodbye was incomplete but she knew that the fragrance would stay, that the touch will be remembered, that every moment would be cherished.

From updates per minute to no sms, from meeting frequently to never seeing each other, it sure was going to be difficult. She din’t know then that the damage done was beyond repair. She thought she had done it before; she would be able to do it again. Like the duck that just enjoyed the ripples that gave it a short lived fun and pleasure, would she move away unaffected by all of it?

Wednesday, September 5, 2012

Burying the hatchet- Part1

We split more than a year ago. There were reasons, and then I thought that it was best to end it.  We were out of each other’s lives. But Off late we are back to being in touch, And my feelings for you has resurfaced. This is neither a proposal nor a beseech to get back to being a couple. All I want is a closure; I want to know what this whole thing means to you. I want to know we don’t stand a chance anymore.I don’t need a sympathetic reply, only the truth

She fiddles her fingers over the mouse for a minute and finally hits the SEND button.  Her mind races back to the last few days.  Her lips go into a tiny curve remembering the phone call from him that came out of the blue, he had said “I was driving back home and was alone so I decided I would  catch up with my  Xgirlfriend.” Nobody enjoys being referred to as Xgirflriend  but she was happy that atleast she had crossed his mind. She din’t know then that this one phone call would bring her to where she was today. She always thought being in touch with the X is easy, especially if you have moved on and in another relationship. And so she went ahead and started talking to him. Being in touch with him wasn’t a bad decision but not knowing to what extent and not drawing boundaries was the error in judgment.Casual chats turned to everyday updates. Formal talks turned to personal talks. Memories started to creep up the path she had once shut down in her head. And doubts if she made the right decision in the past bothered her. It always felt different with him. And why this made it desirable was she hadn’t felt that way in a long time. She thought she wasn’t capable of having these feelings anymore. But after more than a year of not being in touch it amazed her that her feelings hasn't changed for him.She did not know if these feelings were temporary and would pass off. She wanted to know, she stood no chance with her  X.She decided the best thing would be to get a closure, to get it out of her mind; to let the heart know what her mind knew – It is over!! Dream, crave as much as u want but it is over!! It made perfect sense to her that probably hearing it from him would do the job for her  .She knew with him she would always need to have her guards up high, but   instead she had always let them drop. She liked how it felt, the anxiousness that precedes the beep of her phone, going red with blush when he remembers something from their past, the content  in knowing he had the gifts safe, the remorse when he said “I miss you” and got off the phone on the eve of his bday, She felt like the second-yr gal all over again. But this time..

TING!!!! The mail alert brought her back from the trance. Anxiety spread all over her, she clicked open the reply.
You paid no heed to what I  had to say one year back why now? Am done with relationships, I still love you for just the way you are. And I have thought of it I am not the right guy for you. I am just happy with how things are now between us. Am happy I have you as a friend. Nothing more.Please don’t discuss such things by e-mails, you do this all the time
She remains calm and composed; she goes over the mail again. Smiles to herself, at his grammar. He gets them wrong mostly, but never mentioned it to him, because she never wanted to get to the wrong side of this Leo.
Fair enough! So that means we are both free to see other people?
TING!! “What do you have in mind?
Nevermind! will explain some day when we meet.”
TING!!  “Am just around the corner at a session, you tell me the time
She is startled; they were going to meet after a year. She was cursing herself for not wearing something nice today. True! Off all the things that is exactly what girls think of, looking their best when the F2F happens.
I will be done with work at 6.30.Cya

She waits for the clocks to chime. She goes to the entrance to meet him. He stands outside leaning against his car. Just as always no sign of awkwardness, he is his charming self and they greet each other with a hug. That was the best part about him. His callousness made it so easy to be with him. .They hang out at a snack-out , catch up with what is happening in their lives .She brings to his notice she is wearing the chain and the watch that he had gifted her. He on the other hand stopped using the watch she had gifted him. But she was glad that it was at least occupying space in his room. At least till then who can speak for the future?

He drives back to drop her home. But there was something more to the agenda, he wanted to stop by at her favorite Ice cream parlor. They walk a little and get back into the car. And she knew that the email would be brought up now. She was already embarrassed. She tells him she just wanted to know if they stood a chance.  He tells her he had wished she was by his side when he lost his father. He tells her he always tells his friend that he wants to find a girl very soon just like ‘her’.  She thinks to herself “What?? I am right in front of him asking if we stand a chance and he says he is looking for someone just like me?? Moron! Anyways I heard it from the horse’s mouth. So the sensible thing to do would be close the chapter and move on."  He then dropped her home. They  embraced, and before she moved away he gave her a small peck on her neck,which sent jitters through her. She left the car and walked away feeling very glad and had a coy smile on her lips for the rest of the night.She knew then, that this wasn't the end of it.

Neither of them wanted to lay the rules down. They continued texting throughout the day. They met more often. And she enjoyed the small things that he did (knowing she would like it).The roof top dinner, the silence when they realize it'l al come to an end soon, the hugs, the want to be kissed, the kisses that stirred something so deep within...No they are not back together. The solution would be to be formal; put the past where it belongs and just be in touch to know if either of them is doing well. For some reason they are not there yet. Soon they would be, this has no future. Eventually they’ll fall out. That day she shall accept it all.She likes how it feels.She enjoys this for now, She does not want to give it up yet. She is aware it will change soon.Then she would know this is how it had to end. till then she vowed to herself it would be no strings attached….